Doubt

So, as I commented before that there was a time when I was sick. I was fighting Hodgkins and after 5 months of chemo, I was told the treatment failed. I went from having a 90% cure rate, to 60%, and honestly, in my heart I heard 50% or basically, that my survival was a coinflip…….. So, I went into crisis and panic…. That night I was terrified, and began to question EVERYTHING i based my life on. At 2 AM in the morning I was in be in crisis and pouring my heart out in pray and questioning him in ERNEST! I passionately questioned God with 4 questions….

God, Do you even exist? Or are you just a hoax?

If you exist, are you who you say you are in the bible? (Because that would mean you love me, and I don’t see it!)(If you are someone else, then I might as well go out in a blaze of glory)

If you exist, and you are who you say you are in the bible, then can you show me in a way I cannot argue? Nothing I can attribute to coincidence or well meaning friends.

If you are willing to do that, can you let me know if I will be ok.

Now, the short story is that I was given an answer to all 4 questions within 24 hours in a way that blew my doors off, scared me, and removed all doubt from the truth of the Bible and Jesus Christ. But that is a story for another time…..

Here is my point, I don’t have any room to question the truth of the Bible. For me that is a done deal. Fine! Case Closed! But, why do I still fail to trust the Lord at times? Why do I fall short in being the man He designed me to be. Why do I say, I trust Him with my life, yet my actions don’t always show it?

Well, I am learning that while I might say it is because of my weakness, it might because I actually truly believe I am stronger and righter than Christ. That may not be true intellectually, but my heart, insecurities, and nature sure seem to tell a different story. I am grateful that the Lord has patience with me and continues to work on me and grow my trust in Him a little more each day. My heart is learning to live out and grow to embrace what my head knows. I just wish that connection was stronger and better.

Alright…. There you have it…. I think I am done for tonight……. Of course, I will probably edit this a few times after I post it….